Have you ever been asked a question that you couldnt answer? Really? Now im not being haughty or anything but I have ALL the answers. They may not be the RIGHT answer or the answer you WANT, but it is an answer none the less.
How did you acquire such great talent? you ask? ....years upon years of being asked STUPID questions. Yup. If there's a stupid question to be asked people the world over will search me out so they can ask me their STUPID question.
What say you the answer? Rest assured no stupid question goes unanswered and if people think they can waste our precious OXYGEN by asking stupid questions I am not going to stand idly by and let them think they are SUPER smart because they asked some question that just popped up into their stupid brain. Their questions are dumb. And i will tell them so. (your welcome) Not directly of course thats no fun, but with my acquired skill of sarcasm and quick thinking. Here is a list of questions i received via email today. Notice i have answered them all.
Questions that haunt me
Can you cry under water?
Of course you can. But why are you underwater with your eyes open? (idiot)
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
clearly the standards is set by someone way more important than you.
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
if your BURIED in the GROUND with your CLOTHES how are you wearing them in heaven? you cant be in two places at once. You are either BURIED in the ground or IN heaven. You cant have it all stop being greedy.
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
have you ever tried to FOLD a round box? not possible.
What disease did cured ham actually have?
whatever it was caused its death.
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
people packed lighter back then. Brought important things like SPACE SUITS & OXYGEN. Not TWENTY BILLION cords for their TWENTY billion electronics they cant go a single day with out or they might DIE.
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
Have you ever watched a baby sleep? Yea I didnt think so. Shut your face.
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
clearly you've got me mixed up with some small actor no one as ever heard of.
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
They are looking to see if anyone as picked up the penny they dropped.
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...
because they are a doctor. Not a client at a strip club.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Seriously? dont you have anything better to do with your time? Get a hobby.
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
clearly you have made a judgement call. Everyone is entitled to eat there toast whatever way they want burnt or not. Who died and made you king of the toaster settings?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Clearly Jimmy wrote the song and he is a big whiner.
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Goofy and Pluto are different breeds.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
babies of course. Dead babies. (stupid you are just stupid)
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Yes.
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
because you asked me a question. Why would you ask me a question if you didnt want me to answer it?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Your telling me if i walked up to you and blew in your face you wouldnt get mad at me? you would PREFER it instead of sticking your head out of the car window? Yea thats what i thought. Keep walking buddy.
Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
There is no "we" in this statement. Clearly its just "you" and "you" are an idiot. and lazy. look at your grammer: "getting dead" seriously.
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
because they want some of the money your about to deposit in there. And legally they cant just TAKE you money. This makes it legal.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Because they cant reach the stars and smear them all over their hands and count them.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Because we are a civilized people. THATS WHY!
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
does he have hair anywhere else...? how do YOU know?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
because no one WANTS to get hit in the face not even superman. That HURTS.
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
because if they didnt we would know they dont intend to come back. SECRETS OUT GUYS!!!
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
obviously there are some flaws in your beliefs.
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
why are you still taking bubble baths? creeper.
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
they day yours suddenly bursts into flames and you lost your warranty paperwork.
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
is that what people are thinking? I thought they were just cooling off....
Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
because they want to see if you can count higher then 10. You did it good job!
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
you are weak. Do more push-ups.
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
they know the password to the secret passageway.
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Because you are not a mom.
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
only you do that. the rest of us are just fine with our slippers and blankets.
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
because those son-in-laws have been silenced. forever.
Hope you enjoyed my Friday ramblings.
Have a great weekend. Snag some RAYS!
